Loud Bassoon rating scale

Our approach to rating things is as abritrary as it ought to be, for you can't help but like what you like, and one person's Sweet Home Alabama is another's Sprecher Root Beer. It's all about preference.

That said, our rating scheme is designed to draw equivalancies between things, so any two given things receiving the same rating are thought by us to be approximately as good. So, yes: Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band equals Negra Modelo equals Kellogg's Corn Pops.

Agree, disagree, want something reviewed, or want to join our stable of writers? Contact us at loudbassoon@loudbassoon.com.

shiny dr. teeth tooth Shiny Dr. Teeth Tooth – Our highest rating is reserved for those things that bring us exceptional joy and delight.
 Seven Cute L'il Puppies – With Seven Cute L'il Puppies, you can't go wrong. How cute is that?
 Six Cute L'il Puppies – Six puppies is pretty cute, but not as cute as seven.
 Five Cute L'il Puppies – Five puppies provide ample cuteness, but also five puppies' worth of puppymess.
 Four Cute L'il Puppies – When four puppies are around, you sort of wish you had either more, or fewer.
 Three Cute L'il Puppies – Three puppies can be annoying, especially if one of them keeps barking.
 Two Cute L'il Puppies – Two puppies are bound to start fighting at some point.
 One Cute L'il Puppies – Compared to situations where you have LOTS of Cute L'il Puppies, one is just needy, stinky, and pathetic.
this shit blows Blows Shit – When something doesn't deserve even ONE Cute L'il Puppy, all that can be said is: "This Shit Blows."
the finger The Finger – Beyond Blowing Shit, sometimes a thing will go the extra distance to be BELLIGERENTLY bad. Those we give The Finger.
blank stare Blank Stare – Occasionally there is something that, try as we might, we just don't get. These get the Blank Stare.
the haughty yawn The Haughty Yawn of Complete Indifference – Reserved for those things that are, despite possible quality and/or enjoyability depending on your perspective, completely uninteresting to us.