Well, I have to give 'em props for telling the truth from the very first line of the movie … I was 100% lost about seven minutes in. "And so began … the Bloodwars!" Is there such a thing as gay camp sci-fi? Or is all sci-fi gay camp? Ultraviolet, certainly, seems especially queer. It's like they were more worried about the color schemes than the action, or, like, the plot. The result is so "so-bad-it's-funny" it ceases to be funny. It's all visuals, no logic … and the visuals are so fake and so blatantly "computer-generated"-looking as to remove any possible dramatic tension or thrill-factor. It's what I thought Resident Evil would be, only to be surprised at how fun that movie was. Ultraviolet and "fun," on the other hand, have nothing to do with each other. It's hard to think of a film that contributes less to film, culture, or entertainment. As sci-fi cliché after sci-fi cliché speeds past, the masterworks of Uwe Boll are called to mind – and it's a rare film indeed that has you thinking fondly on Boll's cinematic enema bags. Those movies, at least, are kind of funny in their tragic horribleness, whereas Ultraviolet is just a deafening thud. Even watching it at home feels like sitting in an empty theatre. It's like one of those farts that just hangs around the room for an amazingly long time. I'm curious what drew Milla Jovavich to this film … her commentary on the DVD is hilariously sparse, suggesting she is either incredibly stupid or just plain embarrassed to have been part of this piece of shit. The weird thing is, she already covered the "sci-fi babe ass-kicker" in two Resident Evil movies … so the only thing I can think of is she wanted the free trip to Tokyo, where this was primarily filmed … in a mall. Douchebag Cameron Bright is also on hand to creep things up. Enough with the "old-soul" child actors already. Remember when kids looked like kids, instead of looking like drifters?
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