 Cheaper By the Dozen (2003) Despite this eminently loveble premise (eminently lovable as of 1950, that is), this movie was total punch-the-clock fucking dogshit. Here's five of the probable 585 depressing ways in which I lost 80-odd minutes of my life: • Despicable, preening child actors portraying clichéd, quarter-dimensional characters • Unrealistic scenarios that would nevertheless be easy to navigate in real life, but are belabored setups for chaotic slapstick in the film • Stock rich, snobby neighbor characters straight out of the '80s; neither funny nor enjoyably hateable • When the "big move to the city" occurs, fuckin' "Life Is a Highway" blasts on the soundtrack as a helicopter shot follows the van overhead. Ha ha, didn't see that coming. Fuck you • I found Ashton Kutcher to be the most likeable aspect of this film. Is that even possible? Though I feel vague pity for Martin and Hunt (how were they suckered into this?), I wouldn't let either my 6-year old or my 606-year-old great aunt watch this slap-in-the-face, lest they think real life is even remotely like this. The premise has geniune potential, so why the lowest common denominator pandering? Partial entertainment arrived during the post-film bloopers, half of which are filled with the younger kids in full prima-donna mode, and the director trying his damndest to get a semi-decent take out of them before they implode. 1979 Steve Martin is rolling around in his grave; or perhaps he's pissing on mine.
Review by Hans McFeely |
