Coca-Cola

A few weeks ago I had my first Coca-Cola Classic in more than five years. I had stopped drinking caffeinated beverages after realizing how much caffeine was controlling my life, like The Beatles before that and my tyrannical father before that.

Well, I can listen to The Beatles now, and I spend at least seven hours a day cleaning up my father's incontinent spillage, so I figured it was about time to see if I could drink something with caffeine in it without risking the addiction that often drove me to the streets late at night in search of a cold Coke and/or a prostitute who looked like my mother.

And I must say, after drinking the Coke, I realized how much I missed it. It's a great tasting beverage, especially when compared to its decaffeinated version, which is like drinking salty horse piss (not the alternative beverage Horse-P).

Coke is classic for a reason – its sugary taste is smooth and crisp, its red can is trusty and embracing, and its marginal caffeine content is dependable and effective. I've since had three more Coca-Cola Classics (also, I've murdered my father and sold back Past Masters Volume 1) and I am ready to declare Coca-Cola Classic the greatest beverage of all time!

Oh wait, that was the caffeine talking. It's a great beverage, though, certainly better than Pepsi (though caffeine-free Pepsi is far better than caffeine-free Coke), and always worth a swig whenever I'm wanting a little boost.

Now that my father's incontinent ghost haunts me incessantly, I'm getting practically no sleep, so believe me, I need it. You try staying up til six a.m. scrubbing spectral diarrhea off the kitchen walls with a specially-designed para-scrubber and then going to work at 8 – you'll be craving this demon brew yourself!

Review by Harris Hoho