Horse P

Blecccccch. I should have known this would be disgusting had I read the label beforehand … it's produced by Kotex, for Christ's sake! What that company intended by getting into the beverage market is beyond me, much less why they would debut with this mish-mosh of corn syrup, carbonation, and "nutritional bioflavins."

I think they were going for a "sport drink" vibe, as you can tell from the marketing collateral, which hinges on the tagline "Horse Power for the Race of Life." Indeed, for "power," it can't be faulted, if you consider a doubleshot-dose of caffeine, 70 grams of carbs, and nine different non-FDA-approved steroids to be a healthy way to get yourself going.

Moreover, how did they expect this drink to succeed with that name? You can't truncate "Horse Power" into "Horse P" the same way you can make "Sunny Delight" into "Sunny D." I wonder if the marketing analysts spoke any colloquial English at all.

As for the drink: it tastes something like Code Red Mountain Dew crossed with the juice from a can of tuna, with the consistency of tomato puree and the fierce bite of chipotle salsa. Which would almost work if this were only available in like 2-ounce bottles, but it comes exclusively in 64-ounce plastic bike thermoses, which only lends the beverage the additional flavor of licking a vinyl seatcushion. Hideous. I nearly threw up after one swig.

Even more confusing is the "special offer" which you can only get to by reading the pulpy interior bottom of the bottle, wherein you can send in three empty canisters of Horse P, along with your store receipts and $2 in quarters, to receive a Kotex Lightdays® Sampler Pack. Not only am I not interested, but the fucking envelope would cost me more to mail than just going out and buying a box of maxipads, if I even needed some.

Surely this will bomb hard and go away quickly. On the whole, I'd be more inclined to drink actual horse pee than this shite.

Review by Andee Ander