Farmer's Garden® by Vlasic® Kosher Dill Spears®

When I first saw these, my instant reaction was "Oh, come on now, Vlasic, tryin' to look all artisan and shit." But after actually tasting them, I can say that while these aren't the most insanely amazing pickles you'll ever encounter, they're a real step forward from them old neon-green Vlasics. These Farmer's Garden® 'ckles have no dye, and even have garlic and carrots floating in the Picklewater®. Clearly they're aiming for a more honest and transparent approach befitting the "Me Too" era, when "pickle" seems to be everyone's new favorite four-letter word.

All in all, quite a satisfying pickle, especially if you didn't happen to grow up in "New Yawk" around all the old timers and their "YOU DON'T KNOW YOUR FUCKING PICKLES, COUNTRY BOY! BACK IN MY DAY BEFORE YOU AND THE FUCKING PUERTO RICANS SHOWED UP, WE'D GET THE TASTIEST PICKLES FOR A NICKEL. THAT'S RIGHT MOTHERFUCKER, NICKEL PICKLES!!!"

The only question remains, how did they manage to trademark the term "Kosher Dill Spears®" ?! These guys must have more lawyers than Harvey Weinstein. I'm beginning to think there was more to that whole "stork" character than we were led to believe.

Review by Toothy Berserker