Cosmic Crisp® Apple

My friend Cone and I were hanging out when suddenly he got real serious. "What if you could have an apple that handled like a Red Delicious yet tasted even better than a Honeycrisp?" he whispered, his face as white as a ghost.

Boy, we sure had a good laugh about that one! Cone's real good at pullin' a phoney. But then, after wiping the tears from his eyes, Cone suddenly got even more serious, quickly pulling out a knife and holding it to my throat. "I'm fuckin' serious, he said."

Cone is bipolar. It can be a struggle for us both.

Anyway, a few days later I figured out what he was talking about when I saw H. Thommy, another friend of ours, outside Lane Bryant. "Hey Effalee, you had one of these Cosmic Crisps yet?" (He pronounced it "coz-a-mick.") "Substantial, with a consistent crispness and a balanced sweetness … why, it's like having an apple that handles like a Red Delicious yet tastes even better than a Honeycrisp!" Then he sucker-punched me in the medulla, because that's how we are.

"Remember that, motherfucker!" said H. Thommy. He might have been stewing about the Cosmic Crisp being exclusively grown by an elite consortium of apple producers, unavailable to the "little guy." (H. Thommy is sensitive to this kind of thing because he's 2' 11".) But fuck it, I figure this can only force the migrant-level apple-growin' motherfuckers to finally get their shit together and produce something we can all get behind, apple-wise.

Review by Bailiff Effalee Bayleaf