Wise® Bravos – Stadium Nacho

CRUNCH! And just like that, I'm in the nosebleed seats of Lee Malvo Memorial Arena, watching Tom Jhordi lead the New Pettiford Pancakes to a stunning rout of their most hated rivals, the San Ysidro Wingdings. Gooey goodness dripping down my legs!

CRUNCH! And just like that, I'm in the back row of the old Loews Mega 8 (Theater 8), trying to get some action off Jenny Lee Strumphpharter while rooting for Bruce Willis to domineer the situation onscreen. It's the ol' "popcorn trick" … but this time my exposed dick is hidden underneath a box of movie nachos, gooey goodness dripping down my legs!

CRUNCH! And just like that, I'm high as fuck at a 7-11, loading up a huge plastic tray with tortilla chips and smothering them in cheese and chili from a fountain, then loading them up with jalapenos, onions, and sour cream. Gooey goodness dripping down my legs. Whoopsie! It wasn't nacho cheese THAT time!

These chips taste so much like real stadium nachos, you might have ultrarealistic, vivid erotic flashbacks too!!!

Of all the wonders I've encountered at the Family Dollar, and that includes my current wife Najeemampa J. Garlic, these Wise® Stadium Nacho chips might well be the most ingenious. How has no other chip maker thought to make tortilla chips that taste like oozy-goozy stadium nachos peppered with a few pickled jalapeños? Too gauche? Too pedestrian? An idea just lying there hidden in plain sight, too obvious to bother with?

Whatever the case, Wise® "Got Wise™" (their version of becoming "woke") and somehow completely nailed the concept. How they managed to replicate the flavor so closely I am not sure, as I am afraid to read the ingredient list for fear that the contents are even worse for me than whatever comprises hot cheese from a fountain.

They even managed to nail the experience of reaching the end of a plate of stadium nachos and simultaneously still wanting more and feeling deeply ashamed. Now, I can't speak to Wise®'s other snack offerings, but THIS garbage is fuckin' terrific!


Review by Pem