 Sbarro #51
Like Cinnabon, Sunglass Hut, and teenage sexuality, some things are really only appropriate in a mall. A self-standing Sbarro restaurant makes about as much sense as someone opening up a beach in a parking lot – Sbarro and the mall environment form a "symbiant circle," as young Obi-Wan Kenobi might say, in an attempt to get an extra slice for free. Myself, I'd be busy using some Jedi mind tricks on the impressionable 14-year-olds, such as the one where the Jedi Master buys the 14-year-old an Enrique Iglesias poster in exchange for some awkward oral sex in a Gap changing room.
Unfortunately, it was on no such mission that my dining companion and I happened to eat at the Sbarro in Woodfield Mall – we merely needed some lunch and that seemed about as good as anything in the area. This Sbarro seemed to be a cut above the other Sbarros I've seen in terms of dining area and general presentation, though the lowbrow culinary fare was all the same … slightly sitting-out-too-long pizza slices, buttery calzones, and, fortunately for me, some good pasta salad. Now, I have enjoyed Sbarro for a good decade or so and have found it to be a very reliable place, though as a committed Vegan I can now only go as far as the salads. My friend had a slice of pepperoni pizza and some kind of soft drink (Dr Pepper, it may have been), while I had a pasta salad and some kind of bottled juice. Both meals were reportedly delicious. The prices are a bit over the top for what you get (mine was $4.45) but the food is decent. Service was mediocre, dining room was crowded but free of screaming babies, and the overhead music was Phil Collins. We weren't there long, and in fact the only memorable event from this visit actually took place before we went in, when we walked over to the Rainforest Café to watch some talking parrots. However, the parrots weren't talking so we BAILED on that LAME-ASS KID'S STUFF (and headed straight to Sbarro to talk about what action figures were currently looking for).
I think if I had a talking parrot I would certainly use it to get sex from a 14 year-old.
Review by Progressing T. Weighloss, July 1999 |