 Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003) Johnny Depp gets most of the credit, as his Captain John Sparrow is a hilariously enigmatic and consistently surprising performance—at different points he recalls the sensitive sexuality of Prince from Purple Rain, the macho swagger of Michael Hutchence from the "New Sensation" video, the physical hilarity of Buster Keaton from any film, and the faux-drunken charisma of William Powell from … well, probably his whole life. Orlando Bloom is also on hand to boost the "sexy sensitive hottieboy" quotient, and it seems to have worked: the theater was jam-packed with Ding-Dong-eating housewives who were very nearly pissing their pants and/or masturbating with glee every time one or both of these guys were on screen. One woman in particular cackled loudly at literally everything Johnny Depp said or did (not to mention the lame "Fandango" commercial, indicating she doesn't get out to the movies much). Geoffrey Rush, who manages to be over the top even when playing someone like Leon Trotsky, is surprisingly well-rounded here; it's to the writers' credit that neither the heroes nor the villains are painted out in typical Disney black-and-white terms. The writing all around is superb—lots of manipulative plot contrivances, sure, but good ones. Even the stodgy British aristocrat characters that would normally get some kind of comeuppance (i.e. comically falling overboard while the heroes smirk away) are not written with the usual autopilot clichés. So refreshing, especially in a damn Disney movie. Special effects are great; body count is high; and you can't go wrong with zombies. All that's left is to make the requisite jokes about this film being based on a theme park ride. To that end, how about: • Skeeball –Vin Diesel stars in this high-octane action adventure where speed and accuracy are the name of the game, and Vin's a man with some tickets to redeem! • Tilt-A-Whirl – Mandy Moore and Milo Ventimiglia star as attractive opposites who fall in love while working summer jobs at the local carnival. • Bumper Cars 4049 – In a post-apocalyptic future wasteland, it's up to Ashton Kutcher to reunite humanity … but first he must do bumper-car battle with the cyborg overlords! • Giant Sunglasses – Jennifer Aniston plays the spunky proprietor of a stand that sells giant sunglasses at the local amusement park. Things are fine until a ruthless marketer (Tom Hanks) decides to put a Giant Pretzel stand right next door! • Baby Changing Station – ah, fuck it, I'm sick of this.
Review by Virginia Slime |