Perhaps the magic of Wardobe the novel is that the reader can imagine how some of the more uncool elements look … certainly this film is not helped by having to depict some of the author's clumsy imagery, judging from the sheer ugliness of the unfortunate fellow they got to play Mr. Tumnus (like, could they not have used some of the CG budget to airbrush out the zits on his back?). Similarly, Tilda Swinton never quite overcomes a certain hard-to-peg dubiousness … I was on the fence about her White Witch throughout the film, and my attitude tipped toward derisive during the big battle sequence, when she starts looking more and more like a drag queen's interpretation of Tina Turner in Beyond Thunderdome.
And really, did anyone, in the ears of their imagination while reading the book, ever hear Liam Neeson's voice for Aslan? I mean, obviously the filmmakers weren't going to use Gilbert Gottfried, and James Earl Jones would have been too much of a cliché, but Liam Neeson is just so … I don't know … like, who else did they consider for the part, Matthew Modine? Then there's the message … if you somehow missed the Jesus metaphor in the book, you're moneyback-guaranteed to get it in the film. Over and over and over, and over, with increasing literality and decreasing subtlety. After awhile I sort of felt like I was having my knuckles rapped by Sister Helga back at Our Lady of Perpetual Monthly Slough. Again, this made me think back to the book and admit that Lewis's writing was hardly more nuanced … in fact, one might argue he was out-and-out lazy in simply retelling the Crucifixion story with characters liberally borrowed from Tolkien. So why, exactly, does Narnia remain such a nerdster touchstone? All this said, I still enjoyed watching Wardrobe. The Pevensie kids are all note-perfect and cute-as-a-button in that haughty, kidney pie-crazed British sort of way (?) The visuals are mostly terrific, and Jim Broadbent is delightful as always. But in the end, there is something undeniably fishy about the whole thing, as though the film's marketing tactics are more palpable than its actual content. I kind of wouldn't be surprised to discover that the movie was secretly produced by Kirk Cameron and/or Amway.
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