General Foods International Coffees® Hazelnut Belgian Café

I'm not sure whose this was, but I started drinking it anyway. I think it possibly may have been Bradley A. Milton's. Well, leave something out long enough and sooner or later I will probably eat it.

I have no particular love or unlove for instant coffee, but you got to admit it's pretty convenient for work. You just scoop a few spoonfuls of powder into the cup, add hot water, and jumpin' jehosephat, you got coffee.

The General Foods line is sort of the Kraft Macaroni & Cheese of the coffee world; that is to say, painfully mainstream, but absolutely effective; lacking in any nutritional value, but amazingly comforting. Is this the product with which one is supposed to celebrate the moments of one's life? I think it is. Well, I celebrated the last few mornings with the remainder of the tin, and can declare the Hazelnut Belgian Café flavor to be a real winner.

Sort of hot chocolatey, quite smooth, not very strong, a little sweet, and totally inauthentic … just like my first husband. ("LAUGHTER" sign lights up. Audience laughs.) I think my favorite aspect to the General Foods International Coffees® is the tin, actually. It's quite cute when you stop and think about it.

The only drawback to this coffee is that I seem to become extraordinarily disoriented within minutes of drinking it, wandering around moving my head side to side and experiencing visual and auditory hallucinations that are impossible to shake for hours. This may be unrelated to the coffee and more directly related to a curse placed on me several months ago by a shaman, whom I inadvertently disgraced by using his ceremonial mask as a surfboard (I was rehearsing a scene for my upcoming film, Surf Shaman, co-written with Carrot Top). In either case, it is a caveat worth mentioning.

Review by La Fée