Diet Mountain Dew

I am very satisfied with Diet Mountain Dew. I virtually never drink it, in fact, I have had it perhaps only three times in my entire life, two of them this week and one in the 1980s. I would make a joke about how that chronology corresponds directly with the number of times and frequency of my sexual experiences, but that kind of thing is getting old, even for me.

So I will simply say that this is tasty and sweet, and unleashes an unholy caffeine rush that helps me crank out review after pointless review. Someday the world will know my true genius, which lies precisely in cranking out half-assed reviews for no reason; by the time it happens, surely I'll be dead from brain cancer from taking in all this aspartame. Well, that's fine, it makes for a nice tragic story as you sit around 50 years from now reading your faux-leather bound annotated Modern Library edition of The Complete Internet Horseshit of La Fée.

Review by La Fée