Lightning Bugs

Few living creatures evoke the playful summertime spirit of childhood like the lightning bug, aka the firefly. What child has not raced to catch some in a jar so as to entrap and preserve, if only for a moment, their magical illumination, before they suffocate? Even ghetto children can afford this diversion.

Some things you might not know about lightning bugs:

• A firefly's illuminated thorax can, at maximum power, shed enough light for an entire baseball stadium, if they want it to, which they usually don't
• They got the name "lightning bug" when it was discovered that they are capable of shooting out incredible streaks of real lightning, striking down all in their path
• They can understand and speak human English, and have infiltrated many of our most prestigious societies, including the governments of Chile, Laos, and New Mexico
• While trying to attract a mate, a male firefly can increase its body size to more than 6,000 square kilometers, casting a terrifying shadow over entire continents
• Indiginous to the moon, lightning bugs were introduced to Earth by one of those dubious Soviet space missions
• Suffocating a lightning bug in a jar is murder, like eating meat, having an abortion, or shooting a drug dealer in a paranoid rage
• There are far more lightning bugs than scientists or world leaders will admit to, and they are planning their attack
• The typical lightning bug can run up to ten hours on one single-celled lithium 233 battery; they recharge overnight in gigantic underground caves wired with discarded Palm™ components
• The most famous lightning bug of all time, James Newton Gregory, is credited with inventing both the Itty Bitty Book Light® and the distinctive dashboard of the 1959 Maserati Birdcage
• It is against the law in most states to marry a lightning bug, no matter how much you love one
• The fastest lightning bug on record, Rick Patterson, completed the 1981 New York Marathon in two hours, thirty-nine minutes, ahead of most other registered insects, but not fast enough to win